AUTISM PARENTING AS SPIRITUAL DIRECTION
AUTISM PARENTING AS SPIRITUAL DIRECTION
In 2011 our two year old son was diagnosed with Autism. It was a powerful blow that my wife and I are still processing (and will continue to process as long as we’re living). But ultimately, parenting an autistic child has benefited me as a Christian. Jack is first and foremost my son, but he is also my Spiritual Director.
For these who don’t know, Spiritual Direction is a specialized vocation that helps the directee discern things like calling, what God might be saying to them, and how to grow spiritually within their tradition. They are kind of like shrinks for the Church, primarily for potential clergy and existing clergy, but also lay folks as well.
The following is a very concise overview of how I have benefited from having Jack as my Spiritual Director for the past 8 years. Each benefit could easily be a post in itself, and I will continue to blog on these topics in more depth in the future.
A HUMAN WHAAA...?
Parenting Jack has profoundly changed the way I categorize what it means to be human, both psychologically and theologically. We tend to view humans in a variety of ways. One of these ways contains the category of value. Sometimes we value beauty, ability, wealth, social status, intelligence, etc and define humanity based on that value system. For example, the good lookin’, smart, popular, rich person is infused with more “humanity” than the ugly, stupid, degenerate, poor person. We pride ourselves as Christians to stop objectifying in these ways, and try as best as possible to see each person as a fellow human, made in the image of God, and deserving of love and respect. But what if the person we are talking about can’t be in relationship with you? Some autistics, dementia patients, and mentally ill people lack the ability to socially connect. This is shocking and disturbing and...dare I say it, inhuman. This lack of apparent connection tends to objectify these people. They then become forgotten, not needed, undeserving of friendship, etc. Jack’s disability challenges my own prejudices and forces me to redefine what it means to be human.
PEOPLE ARE STRANGE....
Leviticus 19:33 (ESV)
"When a stranger sojourns with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong.”
Matthew 25:40 (ESV)
And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'
As Christians we are also supposed to be hospitable. And to “the least of these” of all people! You can’t get more of a stranger than someone with autism. And my son is not only a stranger in our home, but a strange stranger at that. And that is part of his charm. He’s weird. He does weird things. And I love it! He keeps me on my toes with his strangeness. I am barely aware of how deep that strangeness really is. His strangeness is deep and vast and super weird. And I love welcoming him every day to our reality. And I love when he welcomes me to his reality. We share laughs (when I have literally no clue what we are laughing at). I try to console him when I have no clue what is bothering him. We share space, but we are most definitely on different planes of reality. And we welcome each other. He is the least of ours and we are the least of his.
EL OH VEE EE - What’s Love Got To Do With It?
We are commanded to love both God and neighbor. And I know I have struggled with what that looks like throughout my Christian walk. Quoting Joseph Pieper, John Stinton, a theologian who has worked a lot on disability says that one of of his favorite definitions of Love is expressing “Its good that you exist, and I’m glad that you are here.” I think Jack has taught me what this means in practical terms. His relationality and his social aspect are very strange to me. I think we try to relate socially in our own ways, but I think we love each other best by telling each other (again, in our own ways) that it is good that each other exists, and that we are glad that each other is here. As he reaches into my mouth to grab a tooth of mine (that I’m assuming he sees within a face, that is his Dad’s, who is in the room), he is telling me “I love you, Dad!” And by not moving I am saying, “I love you too, Bud!” And this mirrors my relationship with God. God’s name translates to I AM, or I WILL BE WHAT I WILL BE. One can love God by telling Him that it is good that He exists and we are happy that HE IS. This practice is best seen in the Carmelite tradition where one spends their day just being- being with and along side God. This is how Jack has taught me to love him, and how he in turn has taught me yet another way to love God.
LOVE YOUR ENEMIES
Jesus commands us to love our enemies. And sometimes my enemy is my son. Jack’s behaviors have been challenging over the years, but the most challenging of them have been both the self injurious behaviors (head punching, head banging, etc) and his aggressive behavior (hitting, pinching, headbutting). This is violent stuff, but he’s still small enough that we can manage it. Regardless, this type of behavior causes the fight or flight mechanism to turn on. He can be “the enemy.” And somehow, I have to get to the above mentioned definition of Love (usually by a combination of prayer and curse words. At times those categories aren’t mutually exclusive). Regardless of our enemies actions, we are commanded to love them. This is a challenge Jack brings to the table. And he continues to teach me to to do so. That practice with Jack then can be extended to other “enemy” categories I face in life. Without Jack I wouldn’t be half the enemy lover I am today (which is barely worth noting!).
GRUMBLING IN THE WILDERNESS
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5:3-5
It is interesting knowing “All things work together for our good,” and that suffering is part of the Christian walk, and how these ideas seem to be something that work together with the work of Christ. And yet, I am continuously grumbling in the wilderness! My suffering because of Jack is wilderness walking. As the Israelites headed toward their place of rest, a land flowing with milk and honey, after being rescued from slavery, some grumbled quite regularly. I am a grumbler myself. Always have been one. So much so that characters like Archie Bunker or Larry David are my kindred spirits. So one of the blessings Jack affords me is to spotlight my grumbling on a daily basis, and point toward the ungrateful and spiteful nature of it. Jack brings out the grumbler like no one else can. One of the other jobs of a spritual director is to point people to their own sin and help them address it. Parenting Jack holds a mirror to my twisted face and shows me my grumbling in the wilderness as I head toward the promise land of the New Jerusalem.
SELF EMPTYING
And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.
Luke 9:23
25 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 16:25
Finally, the biggest gift Jack has given me is exhaustion. We are commanded to give of ourselves to inherit eternal life, and to pick up our cross. Our Christian experience is about self emptying. For example, we are called to love our wives the way Christ loves the Church. That is to say to empty ourselves as Jesus did on the cross. With every ounce of my being I am called to serve her. Jack allows me to have the gift of exhaustion from self emptying. I am on fumes by the time I sleep (and he interrupts that as well :) My relationship with him conforms me to who Christ is, kenotic and always giving. It is brutal, and thankless, and deeply life draining. Hallelujah!